Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Whack 'Em with a Clue Bat

Anyone want to join Countess Elena's team? We can whack a few nimrods and nutsos out of the park. Whaddya say?

Rant #1: If it is raining or overcast, turn on your car's headlights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rant #2: If you want me to let you in front of me in MY lane, use your signal. That's what they're in your car for. Although it's flattering that you think I have ESP, I do not, however, have ESP. I CANNOT read your mind, and I'd rather not wreck my car or yours. Capisce?

Rant #3: Name-and-claim-it teachings. False, false, false, false, FALSE!!!!! God is not your cash cow, your genie, your slot machine, or your Santa Claus. You think you're sowing a seed of faith into someone's ministry. NO! You're lining some shiny-happy TV evangelist's pockets with your child's college tuition money and paying for Mr. Preacher Hair's Lexus or Lear jet. PULEESE!

Rant #4: Not every single person's singleness is his or her fault. Don't EVEN get me started on this.

Rant #5: When interpreting Scripture.......Thou shalt not take Scripture out of context nor ignore the meanings of the original Hebrew, Greek, or Aramaic. Thou shalt take into consideration the customs of the times and the fact that societies were still largely agrarian.

Rant #6: Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip are NOT the same thing!!!

Rant #7: T-shirt dresses look good on no one. Not even little girls.

Rant #8: Using the same word in an attempt to define the word is NOT creating a definition. It's a repeating yourself.

Rant #9: Remove the lint from the lint trap in clothes dryers you share with others in your building. I appreciate your thinking of me and my curiosity as to whether or not lint really does make cool play dough, but that's OK. Your lint, and mine, can just go in the trash.

Rant #10: Thou shalt not ride my tail lest I stop suddenly and ye be flung into my back seat.

Rant #11: "Wanna hang out sometime?" is not a clear way to request a date from a lady who piques your interest. A specific calendar date, time, activity, offer to pick up said lady, and offer to pay all equal DATE. All other outings may be friends hanging out, undates, maybe dates, or heck-if-I-can-define-it outings. Dates they are not.

Rant #12: Long eyelashes on a guy. *sigh* OK, where's the chocolate? *whacked with the clue bat*

Rant #13: Germany's unemployment laws and legalized prostitution. Gross, gross, gross...

Rant #14: Bad songwriting. Does anyone write intelligent, though-provoking lyrics anymore?

Got any rants to add to the list?


Nate said...

We have to address some of these darlin'.

For example... Numbers 2 and 10.

You do live in Nashville right? Because you should know that in Nashville they are not turn signals. They let people know which side to pass you on.

And in Nashville... they aren't tailgating sweetheart. They're drafting, and waiting for you to hit your passing signal so they can know which way to slingshot passed you on.

Anonymous said...

Re: Rant #11 -- Dang. There goes my M.O.

Elena said...

Mark, darlin', you have no need of such surreptitious methods. If she says no to you, she's an idiot.

Nate, I know, I know. But if I was in charge, I'd...I'd...well, I dunno what I'd do, but it would be something...spectacularly...disciplinary. Good thing I'm not in charge.

Nate said...

Disciplinary??? Well Well Well! I didn't know you were into that scene darlin'! Black leather and paddles huh? wonders never cease.

Arielle said...

Whips are more stylish than paddles.

It's highly entertaining to imagine a ball-gag in the mouths of annoying people.