Friday, January 28, 2005

The Woman I Mean to Be

What has prompted all of this talk about marriage and being a wife? Me. I want to be a wife and mother someday, and I want to be a darn-tootin' good one. But it starts with the kind of person I am...or am changing to be, rather.

I can be pretty dang snarky, bossy, grumpy, moody, self-focused, loud, obnoxious, sarcastic, and critical-spirited. But I can also be kind, caring, sweet, generous, thoughtful, dedicated, hospitable, enthusiastic, and passionate. You never know which side of Elena's going to show itself. I could blame it on the devil, blame it on fluctuating blood sugars, blame it on nasty TN weather...blame, blame, blame. Nope. It's just me. And half of the time I don't like the me I'm being. It's good to hear that people really do appreciate and really do need others of good character and pleasant disposition. Why be kind and caring with no one to receive it? It's more blessed to give...because you get to be like God, who is the best Giver of all, the best Giver there ever will be.

I like the Amy Grant song "My Father's Eyes." The lyrics in the chorus describe the person the singer wants to be:

"She's got her Father's eyes...
Eyes that find the good in things
when good is not around;
Eyes that find the source of help
when help just can't be found.
Eyes full of compassion,
seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through
and feeling it the same."

I want to be this kind of person. And this kind of person, when she's married, makes for a very fine wife, no matter the quality of husband she married. (Although a faboo husband makes being a faboo wife all the easier and more delightful, I would think.) This person laughs WITH people, not so much AT them. This person cries with people. This person brings the chips and dip to the party that people like. ('Cause she cares.) This person remembers who needs sugar-free candy rather than the "bad" stuff. This person encourages others. This person teaches others new things with humility and enthusiasm...not in the interest of a good performance in teaching but in the interest of the students' learning something new and being better people because of the learning.

But I don't want to wait till I'm married to become such a woman. Some point along the way, I sat down on the path of life and refused to get up...sat there with my Twinkies and munched and cried into my bellybutton because things weren't going the way I wanted them to. Pathetic, sickening, huh? Yep.

Call it depression. Call it a blue funk. Call it whatever you want. I was in it. And today, this morning, right now, I'm not in it, and I don't want to stay in it. You know? Misery loves company, but company HATES misery. Misery makes for a very lonely life, even when you're among people. I lived that way for TOO long. Even after becoming a Christian.'s a new day. New possibilities. And as my dear Emily Dickinson wrote, "I dwell in possibility."


The Pink Kitty said...

You know Elena, I admire you and your willingness to look at your life and make the changes that are necessary so that you become the person that you want to be. I have a sneaking suspicion just based on your posts and what you write about that you really are a good person and that you really are someone who does things because you care. I know that I tend to be a very negative person and I know that only I have the power to change things so I've been focusing on positive things and trying to make changes so I'm happier and more positive on the whole. Some habbits are hard to break and I think you're entiled to feel cranky on some days :) I think those closest to you will know that you're just cranky and will know that you still love them and care about them no matter what. Good luck on making those changes :)
Happy Friday

Nate said...

Girls have moods darlin'. Admiral is your will though. God bless ya.

Nate said...

Now look... you've mounted your soap box on at least two different blogs that I frequent.

You clearly have somethin' to say darlin'. So why ain't ya sayin' it here?

More imporantly... why don't have a picture of you sweet little butt for my harem!?